What to do When You’re Afraid to Speak

Great leadership is often summarized into a list of traits such as communication, decisiveness, emotional intelligence. If we were to conduct a random survey of what people believe matters most in leadership, communication would be at the top of the list. It is the skill that shapes how trust is built, decisions are understood and how conflict is navigated.

Over the weekend, I stumbled upon a podcast on navigating difficult conversations. The discussion explored familiar themes: leading with empathy, managing ego, and active listening. What stood out to me most, however, was the emphasis on planning by being clear on your purpose for the conversation. In a nutshell, effective communication is intentional.

That insight took me back to a moment in my career over a decade ago. I was heading into a performance review convinced I had done everything right. I’d gathered evidence of my strong performance and made a clear case for why I deserved a promotion.  I was prepared on paper, but I hadn’t anticipated the impact nonverbal cues, or my own emotions would have on the conversation 

From my supervisor’s body language, I sensed immediately that this would not be an easy discussion. There was usually a sense of camaraderie in our working relationship, but that day, the supervisor was impenetrable. That shift caught me off guard. I lost sight of what I had planned to say and, more importantly, why I was there in the first place, to make a case for my promotion. As the conversation unfolded, I began to lead with emotion rather than clarity. Even before I understood the concept of emotional intelligence, I knew I’d lost control of the moment and with it, my message.

In the  podcast, Desmond O’Neill, a former Secret Service interrogator, shares his four-step formula for difficult conversations: P.L.A.N a practical framework for engaging in meaningful communication. The key component includes keeping your purpose for the conversation front and center. Do not be swayed by the other person’s verbal and nonverbal cues. The power belongs to the one who does not lose their cool. O’Neill unpacks the keys to influencing others by building trust through openness, honesty and transparency. 

As a bonus  nugget, Desmond also reminds us that the hallmark of great leadership is the ability to make decisions in the face of uncertainty. With passion, he points out that 100% certainty only exists in hindsight.

That reminder feels particularly timely as we wind down the year. Many of us are carrying decisions we’ve delayed, from conversations we’ve avoided to moves we’ve postponed out of fear of the unknown.

Perhaps now is the time to be bold. As a famous American baseball player said, “we miss 100% of the shots we don’t take.”

Listen to the podcast here: https://youtu.be/xDQyLnNAXr4

Sarah.